Best dating shows ever
Chances of finding love: nil, because if you agree to go on this programme there must a rotten walnut where your heart should be.
Chances of catching an STI: not high with mum and dad spying on your every move. Would Like to meet BBC2 2001-2003 What you're missing: You are obnoxious, or shy, or divorce-traumatised, or schlumpy, and you want these traits to be thrashed out of you by a team including Lowri Turner, ‘flirt queen’ Tracey Cox and ‘confidence coach’ Jeremy Milnes, an unconfident-seeming former actor who around the same time was also employed to coach the inmates of Fame Academy to the very pinnacle of forgettableness.
What you're missing: MTV's Date My Mom - where you go on dates with a selection of moms in order to choose whose offspring to be paired up with, then when you have sex with them you can't stop picturing their mom - wasn't warped enough for your taste.
Thankfully they then begat Parental Control: mother and father don't like your nogoodnik boyfriend, so they audition a parade of men and select two suitors they deem more eligible.
Chance of getting laid: a 41-year-old virgin actually met his wife thanks to the show. Chances of eventually having to change your phone number because Jeremy keeps calling asking if he can crash on your sofa: 100%. Playing it straight Channel 4 2005 What you're missing: You are a woman who prides herself on her unerring gaydar, so you agree to live on a Mexican ranch with a dozen men, half of whom are hiding the fact that they are gay.
You're playing not only for love but also for a £100,000 prize, so you'd better fall in love with one of the straight men: if you do, you share the prize money, but if you pick a gay man, he takes the whole pot.
After weeks of battering you right in your weakest spots, you are magically much less of a twat, so pick up somebody in a bar and go on a dinner date with them while the team spies on you from a van parked outside.For months afterwards, you're convinced a van is following you.