Dating a woman from an abusive relationship
Beverly Gooden, a writer who started #Why IStayed on Twitter, writes on her site that for her, leaving an abusive situation was “a process, not an event.” She explained in a series of tweets the many reasons it took her so long to get out: she once tried to leave the house, but her abuser slept in front of the door to block her; a pastor told her that God hates divorce; her husband said he would change; she needed time to find a place to go and money to survive once she left; she thought love conquered all; she was isolated from friends and family who lived halfway across the country. One in four women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, and it is one of the most chronically underreported crimes: only about one quarter of all physical assaults, one fifth of all rapes and one half of all stalkings are reported to the police.Experts say that the limitations of leaving can be both psychological and physical. “People wind up blaming themselves for the abusive behavior of their partners,” says Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School.
So perhaps it’s not surprising that Janay Rice stayed with Ray Rice after the incident that the whole nation is now watching on repeat. Rice continues to live with abuse, we do know that her private life has become unbearably public.
In response to all the speculation and the judgmental comments, she took to Instagram to defend her marriage: “No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family.
Monday when the video was posted (follow the Twitter conversation in the graphic above).
The tweets give a chilling insight into why many women (and some men) feel trapped in relationships of domestic abuse.
“They convince themselves if they approach the person differently, maybe they won’t be abused.” Malkin likened a relationship with an abusive partner to gambling addiction: “The person being abused is focused on the positive and waiting for the next positive.There’s a psychological effect like gambling: the moments of tenderness and intimacy are unpredictable, but they are so intense and fulfilling that the victim winds up staying in the hopes that a moment like that will happen again.” “Eventually there’s sort of this wearing down for people on the receiving end of the abuse where they continue to tolerate more and over time feel less entitled to safety,” he concludes.