Muddy dating matches
I decided I'd start writing a blog about it – in honour of being bitten on my first date, I called it "28 Dates Later".
Aged 32 and single, Willard Foxton decided to set himself the challenge of trying as many dating websites as possible, to up his chances of finding the perfect partner.
On my first online date, the girl thought she'd sexily nibble me over dessert: unfortunately, her "sexy nibble" was actually an incredibly hard bite and I ended up screaming in pain, bleeding all over the table and walking away thinking she was completely mental. As I told my story to friends who'd also tried online dating, they'd tell me their stories of bizarre experiences, too.
It was only a week later, visiting my doctor suffering from headaches and nausea, my doctor (a lovely old posh Scottish lady) asked: "Hmm, have you been bitten by any animals, Willard? My favourite was a girl who told me she went on a date with a guy who was genuinely dreadful – a real "ahem, you had three rolls, I had none, so a I think a 35/65 split is more equitable on the bill" type. And attached to the text was a picture of said massive penis.
There's nothing quite like being introduced to people as "This is Willard – the guy the bridesmaid stood up" to make you feel about a foot tall.
I didn't even get the pleasure of being the most tragic story at the wedding, as one other guest's boyfriend had confessed to being gay on the flight over and subsequently ended up copping off with the vicar at the reception.
The date was over in about an hour and she headed home, thinking, what an arsehole. In fairness to him (she's shown it to me), it was huge – like two beer cans welded together.He then texted her, saying, "I realise the date went badly, but was wondering if you were still interested in sex. I realised here was an area of human life many of us are experimenting with, that few people – and especially few men – were writing about.