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11-Jan-2015 22:38

Research shows people will likely want to talk to you if you are smiling. Keep it going by asking open questions that require more than a yes/no answer. "Stranger: "Yes..."You: "That's cool...really....." [nervously look at watch]Hopefully, they'll say more than just 'yes'; but just to make sure, ask them a question that opens up the conversation: You: "Jenny chose this place tonight; I really love this bar. "Unless they're totally closed to conversation (in which case, move on; you deserve better), they'll give you a much more detailed response than a yes or no. Imagine watching a James Bond movie that showed our suave super-spy being put on hold for half an hour whilst trying to phone someone at his bank, followed by an hour's shopping in the high street. We don't want all the mundane detail; we want to see the good bits.

Don't grin manically at people like a prom queen on acid, but a gentle general smile will instantly make the prospect of talking to you more appealing. "Initiating a conversation doesn't mean carrying the whole thing. If I approach someone socially, I don't wonder what I'm going to talk about; I'm curious about what they're going to talk about. Being a great conversationalist is as much about leaving out stuff; as much exclusion as inclusion. Instead, ask yourself, "What does this person need to know?

"To which a pedantic (and annoyingly bright) seven-year-old might reply: "What, never! "Shyness may have gotten you into the habit of always waiting for the other person to start the conversation. Actually, it's not so much what you say - within reason - but how you come across when you're saying it.

How about when I'm forty; at a party or having a job interview? Being totally at ease striking up conversations with new people in social or business settings hugely improves life as you simultaneously have more fun and create more opportunities. Sure, confidently telling a stranger they have a nose the size of Trinidad is unlikely to win immediate friendship however pleasant your demeanour.

Also, when listening to others speaking, smile (unless they're relating tales of their latest messy divorce). People who worry about not knowing what to say forget that when you communicate with someone else, you have the use of two brains. If you instigate a bonfire by lighting a match, then it burns. Introduce yourself and shake their hand: "Hi, I'm Mark. " Remember, when you approach someone for a chat, it's not just you; it's the two of you. A relative of mine had an almost military style of socially interrogating people. No one likes to be regaled with masses of detail about the car insurance form you filled out that morning (unless you can make it particularly amusing). "If you find something funny (and it's not their appearance), then say so.

If you see the other person's eyes glaze, notice rigor mortis setting in, or suspect they may be doing a closed-mouth, face-expanding yawn, you might just be committing slow boredom homicide. People appreciate humour (and if they don't, maybe you need to be talking to someone else).

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This means anything you say is more likely to feel right (within sensible limits). But gentle, not too probing, questions show you're interested (and people find interested people interesting).

To help you feel this relaxed confidence when starting a conversation, check out the free audio session at the bottom of this page. Asking someone about themselves gives them the opportunity to help the conversation get going.



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